Playing House

like the child i never was

I don’t think I’m liable to love. It isn’t something I think of that often, although I couldn’t tell you whether that is by nature, or a careful and calculated move by my silly little brain.

ellen ☆ shared a post recently about love, and it got me thinking… how can I make this about myself?

I dated my next-door neighbour from the age 3-9 or so. To clarify, we were the same age. I feel like that’s imperative to the story! You can call that what you want, but we were caught kissing in her parents bathroom at too many house parties, so you can just say that we started young. We are both now really very queer, so I guess we just bonded over our shared interest of breaking societal norms? To be fair, this was the age at which I also ranted to my mother about people not being allowed to be bisexual. I thought you had to choose boys or girls, and I just didn’t get why? What if I liked everyone? I was being bullied for dancing at school, the offensive being led by my older brother, the vanguard being my alleged friends.

There are some faint memories of playing house with my classmates. I didn’t care who they were, as long as someone wanted to cosplay parenthood with me. I think we once had four parents at the same time, a polycule, ahead of our time. Then one of the mum’s forgot to feed the kids (stuffed toys), and everything fell apart. Someone called social services, the children were taken away, the marriage broke down.

I don’t remember the last time I played one of those games. Surrendering the real world for an hour or two, creating a shared fiction of a happy, yet turbulent, homelife with a friend or three. Choosing the names of children, pets, disgruntled colleagues who want to have another meeting to discuss work projects and ‘priorities’. Apparently taking two months of sick leave to go travelling with the children and my devoted spouse doesn’t reflect well on my dedication to the company.

Maybe, I simply don’t dream of that life anymore. A quiet life, one where I can be with some pets and people I love? Yes, that I dream of. But a nuclear family, an office job, and helping with homework in the evening? No, I don’t think so.

I also don’t see it as a future that is realistic and stable anymore. With the political climate and climate… climate (?) I can’t envision a life where these kinds of living arrangements work for many people. With roughly half the young people my age living with their parents in the UK, there is definitely a generational shift in the realities of raising a family (ONS, 2023).

I have lived alone, though. I spent 18 months in my own place. I cosplayed the real modern adult. The remote job, the wine nights with friends, the fleeting weekend romances with random men, I did it all. I have even written about one of them, a fleeting romance we keep repeating.

For a couple of days, we lock in, getting to escape our troubles and fears. Tangled in our limbs and our emotions, we discuss life, we drink wine, we cook or order food. You go day drinking with a friend while I work, bringing me food back and telling me all about your adventure. We dream of an intangible tomorrow, contemplating what could be. Incidentally, he’s in the process of buying a house. I guess, he is the exception.

Maybe this is how I play house now.

I am an actor at heart. Pretending I’m a real adult, not just a 24 year old scared of the world and it’s monsters.

Waking up in the morning. Grinding the coffee beans. Staring out of the window into the garden. Playing house. Vacuum the living room. Make lunch for the family. Sit down to do ‘work’. Playing house. Take a weekend trip to visit a ‘friend’. Spend a couple of nights in their bed. Kiss them goodbye as I leave. Playing house.

I wonder, just how long will I keep this up? Will I be 30 in Berlin, playing house? Will I be 50 in the Alps, playing house? Will I be 90, in a hospice? Playing house?

What if that isn’t so bad. What if, playing house is all we ever do?

Thank you for reading, and until next time <3

In the meantime:

You can read more of my essays here.

You can read some of my short fiction here.

If you would like to buy me a coffee, you can do that here.

Until the next short story <3

Cover picture from pinterest